


Who Can Love A Monster

by TheAngryKimchi



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Loki Feels, Loki has some shitty thoughts, M/M, Mind Control, Pre-Slash, Thor: The Dark World, hallucinations/illusions, slightly canon divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAngryKimchi/pseuds/TheAngryKimchi
Summary: "For you are a monster and nobody can love one; not even warm, caring Thor. Especially him; the Golden Prince, so loving and rightful."-Loki can hear his Mother calling to him to follow.





	Who Can Love A Monster

Asgard is gloomy. The sky is scattered with countless stars and countless lit lanterns, but the world around him is dark. It will never be more for him. 

He is standing by the river bank, watching as the boat carrying his mother's body is rowing down the stream, headed for Valhala and he is certain he has never felt such guilt and remorse before in his long life. So alone and so lost.

The last person still loving him is gone and he is left on his own. Unloved. Orphaned. Without knowing what is true - who he is - and what is a lie anymore. 

The water he is standing before is dark and it is calling to his own darkness, swirling deep in his soul. 

"It is only fair, don't you think, darling?" Frigga's voice is whispering in his ear and he doesn't turn to look at her, because he knows she's not there, he unwillingly made sure of it.

Loki cannot say a single thing in reply. His mouth feels like sand and his tongue too thick. There are still tear tracks marring his face from when he had screamed and cried himself mute a few hours ago and the guilt is clawing with its ugly talons in his heart. 

_If only..._

"It's your fault, Loki." her voice is still soft and loving, but her words so cruel they tear on the remains of his heart.

A sob escapes his chaffed lips. He knows, he knows and he regrets it. Norns, he regrets it so much.

"I'm sorry." he rasps out. The words making his throat hurt.

"Felling sorry will not change anything, my darling boy." 

Another sob.

This is worse than when he had found out about his true heritage - the desperation flowing inside him so much worse than when that nameless Frost Giant grabbed his hand and made him see his blue skin for the first time. No, at least then everything started clicking into place; why he never fitted in with the other Asgardians, why he felt so different from his brother, the faulty desires and dark feelings in his heart. 

_If only I hadn't..._

"Yes, Loki. If only you hadn't showed the way to that creature. Now it is done, nothing will bring me back to you."

"I didn't know you would be there." he mutters in despair, trying for something, he doesn't know what; sooth his lost thoughts? Elevate the guilt in his soul? Excuse his own self from this wrong doing? He doesn't know what.

"But I was." He can almost feel her breath caressing the shell of his ear, but he knows, he knows she's not here. She's heading for Valhala, in the glorious trip to the afterlife where only true warriors can go. And she was a true warrior. Fell in battle trying to protect that useless, inferior human. 

"That inferior human is the worthy of my protection and the one holding your brother's affections. Not you. She's good. Nice. Better than you will ever be."

Loki takes a stuttering breath, he feels like he has just been punched in the solar plexus.

The cold water is now licking at his ankles, he doesn't remember stepping into the river and he doesn't care.

"My poor boy," his mother's voice coos, "you will never be loved, not truly." 

A choked, pained moan escapes his lips and he closes his eyes tightly. 

"For you are a monster and nobody can love one; not even affectionate, caring Thor. Especially him; the Golden Prince, so loving and rightful."

Loki knows. He knows this isn't his mother speaking - it's the darkness clinging in his heart and mind still; it's his guilt and sorrow manifesting in the cruelest way; it’s his penalty for failing in his mission - but the words don't hurt less for they are the truth he already knows deep inside his being. 

_Who can love a monster._

He takes another step inside the water.

"That's it, darling. Follow your Mother."

Another step in the steep river brings the water to his knees. It's cold, but he cannot feel the chill; he could never feel it and now he knows why.

"Come with me to the afterlife."

He wants to laugh, because he knows Valhala doesn't have a place for him. He isn't a warrior, he never was. Loki is a trickster, a sorcerer,  _a coward_ , using magic tricks to get out of hand-to-hand and trouble. Fear is tearing at his insides, but he knows deep inside, this is the only way of atonement. So, he takes another step, and another, and yet another one, until the water is licking at his neck and he can't take a single step more, for there is no rocky floor to step onto, only the dark abyss of the river. Loki remembers briefly old tales about this river; how it never ended, not truly, how there was not a deepest point to be found, how it had drowned good and bad men alike and he knows he will be one of the latter.

"Now, my dear, follow me." Frigga's voice whispers. 

"I'm sorry, Mama. I love you." he whispers to the warm night air, sounding like a babe again, and with a last deep breath, he casts a quick spell to increase his weight. In a moment Loki is sinking underwater. He doesn't fight it, doesn't  _want_  to fight it; he does not deserve to. So, he glances for the last time at the blurred star-filled night sky of Asgard, the small lanterns floating in the air and in the river above him for his mother as he’s sinking down, down, down into the blackness. 

And Loki smiles when his mind plays yet another cruel trick at him; Thor's deep voice calling his name in terror and despair. 

 _Goodbye, Brother_ , he thinks and closes his eyes, smile still on his lips as the last puff of air in his lungs escapes his mouth in bubbles and it starts burning.

Loki is drifting, falling down in the vast abyss for the second time in his life - only that this time it will be permanent. No turning back. No mad beasts to resurrect him for their psychotic purposes. No causing more pain.  _No more hurting_. 

This is the end to his darkness.

He feels unconsciousness blurring at the sidelines of his mind and he welcomes it, ready to atone for his sins, for the troubles he has caused and for the lives he has taken. Loki can almost see the gates to Hellheim waiting for him, rusty and gloomy.

Only the Norns seem to have different plans for him, for he is suddenly yanked into a pair of arms and held against a warm body he knows well. Loki opens his eyes and his vision is still blurry, but he can clearly see the glow of Thor. Even in the darkness of the river his brother is a beam of light, of warmth and goodness, and he wants to bask in it more than anything else he ever wanted.

Thor's eyebrows are furrowed, a scowl adorning his face as he looks at Loki, worry and fear coloring his vibrant blue eyes. 

_Oh, what cruel tricks my mind is playing._

Why couldn't the oaf let him go and how did he know where to find him or that he had escaped from his cell?

Thor is holding him tight on his chest, his arm around Loki's waist like a hot brand on his cold skin where his tunic has risen in the buoyancy of the water and the last thing Loki feels is Thor slashing Mjolnir towards their feet and the rush of the water against his form as they are elevated to the surface, then darkness finally takes him.

 

* * *

 

 

Loki comes to with a start, coughing lungfuls of water on the ground, his already raw throat feeling like it's going to bleed open. 

"Thank the Norns." He hears Thor sighing softly over his wheezing and he's too ashamed to even chance a look. Loki turns from where Thor has positioned him on his side and buries his face into the crook of his arm, lying face down in the dirt, trying to fill his burning lungs with air.

Thor's large palm is resting on the back of his neck, his thumb rubbing little calming circles on the side of his skin. Such a warm gesture, so intimate, that Loki feels as if it's reaching in the depths of his very existence and illuminates it with light and warmth. But how could that be when his existence was made from cold and ice. The illusion of their mother is nowhere to be seen or heard and Loki feels like he is back in the steeiring wheel of his own self, like he has full control instead of watching from a hazy, grief driven detachment. 

"Brother." Loki wants to cry at the familiar term. "Loki..." there's disappointment in Thor's voice and there's anger there, too, and this is what makes harder to gulp down the sobs that want to leave Loki's lips. 

Thor's angry at Loki - but when is he not these days.

Suddenly Thor's considerable weight is falling on his back, his strong arms wrapping around his torso and holding him tight against his heat. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Brother. I have failed you again." Thor is murmuring against Loki's dump hair, repeating the words again and again and Loki feels shaken. He feels like he's hanging from the Bifrost again, because this is wrong. Thor hasn’t failed him. Loki failed himself and Thor and their Mother. Loki is the one who should apologizing, crying for Thor's love and forgiveness.

Loki is pulled back to sprawl over Thor's chest as Thor lifts his weight so he won't crash Loki and he still tries to hold back tears even as terror overtakes him at the sight of his blue unglamoured skin - he must have lost control of his seidr when he was drowning - and Loki wants to dive back in the dark for letting Thor, glorious, honorable Thor, see him like the monster he really is. But Thor continues holding him tight, burying his face in Loki's hair and inhaling deeply as he murmurs again and again of how scared he was, how he feared he would fail to catch him again and how, without Loki, his life would be an endless, empty void, never to be filled with anything happy and nice. Telling Loki how much he means to him.

"I love you. I love you so much. I won't let you go again. Never again."

Violent sobs wrack his body and Loki starts finally crying, Thor's arms only tightening around him, clutching him against his beating heart, and Loki feels like Thor wants to put him in there and protect him from any danger. And Loki feels Thor's warmth reaching to the deepest parts of him, because nobody could love a monster but Thor.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Some facts: a) I've seen the plot in a dream and wouldn't go away until I actually wrote it, b) it's the first ever Thor/Loki I've written c) I had it sitting around for a month, forgetting its existance until a couple days ago.
> 
> And some headcannnons for this story: a) Loki is getting mind controlled/being under a spell, because I don't think he would try to kill himself, again. b) he found some way out the cell so he could attend Frigga's funeral, c) I don't know how, but Thor could feel something was wrong with Loki and he knew Loki's favourite spot in the river bank, so this is how he found him.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it~ kudos and comments are appreciated :*


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